Why I Haven't Blogged In Like...Forever...

Long time no...blogging, eh?

Honestly, I am not exceptionally lazy or anything. I really do want to blog regularly and think that I am intellectually capable of doing so. The honest to God truth is simply that I have too much on my mind at any given time. Thus, I suspect that I may spontaneously combust in the midst of a blog entry and we don't want that. At once I am thinking about the Gulf Coast Oil Spill, state of Hip Hop, Oscar Grant travesty, depiction of young Black women in the media and networking via social media to name a few. On top of all of that, I am bogged down with my own issues like research proposals, raising money to finish my album, writing new songs, paying down debt, advancing my career, spending more time with family, fixing up my apartment, going to the gym more, eating better, traveling and an array of other things...being a Vogue-toting feminist aint no walk in the park my friend...let me assure you! With all of that on my mind, I am always afraid that I will say the wrong thing and although I have the ability to edit...I can't be too careful.

Cop out? Maybe. Yet this is how I have been feeling, what I have been thinking and why I haven't been blogging. I will say that this exercise of full disclosure has been quite therapeutic so perhaps it will aid me in unpacking some of this mental/spiritual baggage...

Actually...this feels really nice...my fingers feel liberated and my brain a little lighter. If this is any indication of what is to come, I think I will be in good shape. Note to self: You will not know how things are going to turn out (like writing a blog entry) until you actually sit down and give it a go. What do I have to lose really? Aint nuthin to it but to do it...seize the day...go for what you know...YOU GET THE POINT! I herein now declare that I'm going to try this bloggin regularly thing again real soon...I promise. Until then...Good day sir, I said GOOD DAY!!!

(HINT: Shirley Sherrod, who may be my new hero, is likely to show up on this thing real soon!!!)

parlez-vous francais? or My Epic Fail Turned Inspiration

Being a resident of such a diverse city like NYC, I am often stopped on the street by people of various ethnic backgrounds and nationalities who claim that I remind them of home. Where is home? As long as they are brown, it doesn't really matter. I am sized up by folks from Trinidad, South Africa...even southern India. It all depends on how I am wearing my hair that day (see photos)! Honestly, I am flattered when this happens to me. I like to think of myself as a world citizen so, if a bunch of different peeps think we are some kin...I AM ALL FOR IT!



I am sure you are asking yourself, "where is all this coming from?" Well, today I had another one of these moments. A couple approached me though they did not come out and say, "you're like home." Still, they scanned the drugstore we were in for a person that looked familiar, sized me up and then asked a sizable question in French; a french dialect that sounded West African and beautiful to me. I looked at the woman puzzled. "Do you speak French?" she said in her best English. "NO...well...un peu," I said in my twelve year old voice. "D'accord"...my little was obviously good enough for her to launch into asking me another very detailed question in French! But here's the funny part...I knew exactly what she was saying: "Do you know if they sell IMAN cosmetics here?" Unfortunately, I could not say anything comprehensible back to her. Instead,I started into the embarrassing pantomiming that New Yorkers tend to do when trying to direct an international guest towards the right direction. I almost panicked until her husband came over to me and asked in English, "Where can she get it?" with a big ole smile! I told him. They both thanked me and gave me the warmest smile...like we were family. I felt better and kind of fell in love with them for a second. I can be super sentimental at times. Still, I had failed to use the French that I have been studying and practicing off and on for the past couple of years. The VERY language that I hope to use in my research on women of the African Diaspora and how they communicate in beauty salons! HELLO...MCFLY!




Though I played the fool yet again, I learned three important lessons today:
1. I NEED TO PRACTICE MY FRENCH EVERYDAY OR I WILL TURN INTO A BABBLING IDIOT LIKE I DID TODAY AND ON MY LAST TRIP TO THE SOUTH OF FRANCE.
2. I SHOULD NOT ABANDON THE RESEARCH PROJECT THAT I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO DO ON DIASPORIC SUBJECTIVITIES AND THE BEAUTY INDUSTRY.
3. BE YE ALSO READY!



And that is how you learn from your failures folks! That is all. ;-)

...Writing's The Thing...

I have a paper to write today
And I can't seem to find the words I need
So here I am in my little corner of the writing sky
Word hunting and stretching out my thoughts on this little cyber bed

Sitting still, staring at a blank screen
So for the birds...so last year
I am going to give writing a go every time
Even if I am moving in the wrong direction
I'm moving, aren't I?

Epistemes and ontologies
Turns and valences
Nature, nurture, culture and society
Humanities, science and technology

This is me trying to steer my ship back to the straight and narrow
Right now its the only way I know
Because brainstorming and thinking and drinking joe
And tearing out your hair and ripping up your cuticles

And sneaking on Twitter (who are you hiding from?)
And wikipediaing the random
And texting your bestie
And crunching on Pirates Booty

And having a little stretch break
And taking a nap
And beating yourself up
...I suppose they are all viable options...but

Writing's the thing, really

Happy New Year +35 days!!!

I am the worst...I know...I am late for New Years! I know, I know...this post is WAY overdue. Excuses are not my thing but I have to say...I was in a major crisis at the top of the year. I had a 20 page paper due and my entire premise collapsed by page 5! So...I totally freaked and made a big deal of the paper as if it were my PhD dissertation. I really need to stop being so hard on myself. That's so 2009!

Anyways...I am sooooooo excited about the...errr...next 11 or so months! I have so much I want to do. For starters:

1. I want to finish out the first year of this anthro grad program with decent grades (need funding!)
2. Finish writing, recording and release my sophomore album
3. Continue tricking out my apartment so I can feel more like a grown up and less like an overgrown undergrad
4. Another maturation issue: better control over my finances...
5. Stop being such a fear monger! ARGH! So not cute...
6. Get started on a research project which may shape up to be my doctoral focus (or not)
7. Get my french going...I've got to get beyond these measly table manners
8. MORE WRITING (Submit for some journals, blogs, sites, conferences, etc.)

Not a bad start, eh?

I am super hopeful about everything. I am not sure if I will get everything done but I am going to keep working while I am waiting. ACTION!

P.S. I chose this pic of lovely Ms. Grier because it just says beauty and empowerment and looking ahead to me. I love!

The 11th Hour...

...is always the hardest to endure...hold on dear comrades...I am speaking to myself as much as I am to you...may the force be with you ;-)

"Who Am I Anyway?"

This is what I go through and how I feel each and everyday (at work, school, personal life, etc.)...



...Life is really one long audition for me...and I keep getting cut...yet I keep coming back to the line.

If I give up, what else can I do? Life goes on whether I participate or not...so for me...there is no other alternative but to keep getting back to that line...LIFE...here goes!

Can I have a moment?

Life feels so arbitrary yet blah today...it is becoming more and more clear that nothing is as it seems. BUT I am not going to carry on in this direction as it will only make me sound like one of those bratty and ungrateful cosmopolitan elites...soo..

I just have a word of advice for my fellow academic enthusiasts...the more you use your brain the more you will ponder randomness ad nasueam...tis not a great thing if you have other stuff to do like work, music and...well...living life, in general. The kind of inquiry that I am engaged in at present must be for young folks or perhaps the independently wealthy...I am trying to keep the lights on and the Frigidaire full! How do I do that while at the same time wrestle with ideas promulgated by a bunch of fellows who have not been with us in centuries (and would likely have me working the fields)!?!?!?!?!

ONE DAY IT WILL ALL MAKE SENSE...for now I will just do my best MARGO CHANNING and act like it does! ;-)

NOBODY TOLD ME THE ROAD WOULD BE EASY...

BALANCE...MY FAVORITE WORD THAT I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT...

I have been struggling to balance my day job, music career, academic work and personal life for the past several weeks. I am afraid that if I don't give up something, I will be horrible at everything...or at the very least mediocre which is such a bad word! I've already seen how it has affected my music. I need to find a way to devote much more time to it. But how?

These are the days when I understand people's desire to hit the MEGA MILLIONS. I am sure that it would cause more trouble than its worth but for me it is an attractive alternative right now!

I am running out of VERBS...I am doing so much.

That's all...just sharing.

I SHOULD BE READING...

The biggest problem I have now that I am back in Grad School is that no matter what I am doing I feel like I should be reading something instead. I can be on the train, eating dinner, sitting in a church...doesn't matter. The first thought that comes into my mind is, "I should really be somewhere reading." What's worse is that once I start reading I always think that I should have picked a better location at which to do the reading...for better concentration, ya know? This obsession comes with the fact that between two seminars at two hours a pop each week, I am responsible for reading and responding critically to well over 500-600 pages of dense theory every week. And kids...my brain is old and not as malleable as it once was. The ironic thing is that when it was fresh and new, I could care less about academics. Ugh...so here I am...a self-proclaimed professional student...once again new to this thing...trying to figure out a way to get it right. Any ideas? Let me know...Gotta go...I should probably be reading now...

Back to School Time...

Why do I feel like a 2nd grader eagerly anticipating the coming of a new school year? Only my 2nd 1st day of school but exciting nonetheless...new pens, new paper, new biscuit Thom McCann (sp?) shoes...can't get enough of em! Except now I am 33 not 7 and have already been to many different schools and have a couple of degrees, to boot.

Why now? Why this time is it such an exciting proposition for me?

This is a time like no other in the world, in the US, in NYC, in my life personally. Obama is president, the economy is down, people are bugging, and I am excited to put on my Wonder Woman costume and get to work. I WANT TO START REALLY LIVING AND THRIVING...Sure I have already had a pretty full life: moving to NY at 17, going to NYU, working in the music business, touring with my favorite musical, traveling to Europe and Japan, releasing an album, getting my Master's degree...I aint complaining over here. BUT I am convinced that I have not done enough and I have to get my tail moving on my real purpose in life...which I must confess is not 100% clear yet. I do know that it will involve empowering women and girls, through scholarship, activism, and the arts. Pretty broad I know...so I've go to remember that if this is a life long journey I've got to prepare myself for the long haul...it's not just about what's in front of me. What's more...it aint about me!

God has given me multiple gifts to cultivate and allow to grow so that I can use them to uplift his people. Funny thing is...I am going into a field and studying with a bunch of people who mostly deny the existence of God. What a challenge I have before me! I am sooooooooo up for it though.

Next tuesday is my first day...I wonder what I should expect...I think I will buy some new black flats for the occasion. Pray my strength! ;-)

Why aren't you married? Are you at least thinking about it?

"It's not good for a woman to be alone."

If this question applies to you or has been asked of you...please feel free to weigh in with comments. I am keeping this one simple and with little explanation. I will tell you why a little later! ;-)

Meet Job's Daughter...

I sent a tweet out today that simply said:" I believe that writers are direct descendants of Job." Not sure why. Well...actually I do. I was reading a Chronicle of Higher Learning piece on college student writing and the internet. At the same time, I was listening to the NY Times Book Review podcast. The guest was bestselling author, James Irving who said that it often takes close to a year between the time that he gets the idea (usually the last line) for a new book and when he writes the first sentence. What patience!?!!?!? It made me think of my own process and how impatient and unforgiving of myself I can be at times.

Job is a historical figure who I think about quite a bit. Every time I read his story, I get something else out of it which I can then apply to my own life. He is widely known as one of the most patient men to ever walk the face of the earth. He also endured longsuffering and affliction in defense of what he believed in. He lost everything yet stood firm on the promise that his latter days would be greater (well...he had a "moment" but he was still human!). The story of Job always causes me to reflect on my life as an "artist".

I am always striving to get better, do more...and the journey gets lonely. Although I know loads of artists and people in general who are going through what I am going through...it never feels like that in the low moments. In these moments, I feel like I am at the bottom of a well...screaming at the top of my lungs...every once and awhile someone will pass and stick their head down to see where the sound is coming from...but they don't see me but instead see their own reflection in the water...not realizing that there is a woman down in there...somewhere.

BUT then I think of Job...he lost his family, his wealth, his health...everything...yet still he was faithful and God blessed him tremendously in the end. I ask myself, "Can you go on knowing that this desert moment that you are experiencing may go on for quite some time?" I rest on the thought and come to the same conclusion that my spiritual forefather came to in his prayer to God: "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."

Live * Work * Create - a photo essay

Subject: Kendra Ross and the side wall of Brooklyn Industries on 5th Avenue and Union Street in Brooklyn, June 8, 2009
Photographer: Ji Ni (c) 2009

In the wrong place at the right time...

As you may well know, I am an independent recording artist and performer which means I am a professional artist with a day job (for now)! Sometimes this bugs the crap out of me because the time I spend sitting at this desk making my corporation money is time I should be using to perfect my craft(s). HOWEVER...I often wake up and remember that being broke aint cute...especially after 25...okay 30! The truth of the matter is that this job has been a blessing for the most part. Since I've been here I received my first master's degree (working on my 2nd towards a PhD right now)and released my debut album. SO...it hasn't really stopped me from pursuing my dreams at all. BUT...days like this...when I am sitting on 8 hour conference calls...I want to run away! ARGH! For me this may not be the right place in my mind but it is where I am supposed to be right now...we will see what happens.
This is me sitting at my desk listening to a presentation being made by some European consultants to our LA office...HE HE:

Me at 33...

Don't look so bad, but I'm not at all what I thought I'd be. Perpetually single...not poor but barely middle class....performing sometimes, but sitting at a desk most of the time...somewhat successful but not terribly. Don't get me wrong, I live a good life...but I KNOW that I am not living my best possible life and that's what's killing me...33 has to be a good year for reinvention, right? Being the "JESUS WALK" year and all...I need to be made anew. I am strong but afraid too.

In Treatment...ARGH!

This is my confession for the week...

I've got to stop watching that damn "In Treatment" (HBO)! Don't get me wrong it is a great show. Great scripts, amazing cast...just smart TV. BUT it is literally driving me mad.

I watch one of those episodes where Paul really goes in with one of his patients and I suddenly feel that I need to run to the nearest therapist. All of a sudden a ton of stuff comes up into my psyche that has me questioning my sanity and the meaning of life.

At first, I thought I was just overreacting and getting caught up in the fanfare of great TV. However, I am on the 3rd or 4th week of the 2nd season and I am once again feeling this way.

Each character on the show seems to shine a light on one of my personality flaws.

Mia reminds me that I put up walls and am afraid to be really vulnerable with anyone
April reminds me that I gotta let the superwoman thing go because everyone needs help. It doesn't mean I am weak or selfish
Oliver and his wacky fam make me more afraid of marriage and having kids because I realize how much we can affect other people who we love and love us; especially our children
Walter reminds me that no matter how much I achieve I may never be satisfied. Also, that I am always so freakin anxiety ridden and if I don't chill out...I am gonna cause myself more harm than good
Paul's sessions with Gina reminds me that NO ONE HAS THIS LIFE THING FIGURED OUT! He's the therapist and he's just as screwed up (if not more) than his patients.

Where does all this realization get me? Deeper into self-deprecation and disappointment! Like, "Why did I need to know this again?"

What more can I say except that I think it is time to find a therapist that my insurance covers! Inquire within...

Lent Season...Rock on!

As you can see, I haven't had much to blog about these days...well I have but I've sort of just been too much of a bum to actually do it. I made a declaration the other day to all of my closest friends that though it seems like I am this hardworking "g", I am really just a slacker with favor.

By now (March 2009), I was supposed to write a lot more, get in the gym, clean and redo my apartment, prepare for grad school, start another album...and a lot more. Perhaps I just set crazy insurmountable goals for myself. Who knows? One thing is for sure, in this Lent season I have definitely been a lot more all on the ball than I was at the top of the New Year ('s resolution!). I joined a cool gym (heading there in a few minutes), wrote a groovy song, booked some great out of town gigs, applied to grad school, half cleaned my room...lil tings a gwan...big tings soon come...

Hang in there kids...

I am including this photo that I swiped from one of my favorite blogs because it provides me with a great deal of inspiration. A little street art courtesy of the streets of New York...enjoy!

Full Circle...2009

I am so behind on my blog grind...for real...I fell off! Anyway, I am here now so I'll seize the moment to say...2009 looks very promising to me but not without hard work and a united front.

I've been bumping into people that I was friends with in college lately and I am learning that this is not without purpose. God has a plan for us...we've all got work to do. We didn't get our world class education for nuthin (I say that with my tongue slightly grazing my cheek). God didn't put Obama in office just as a symbol and Forte was not released from prison just because....WE'VE GOT WORK TO DO!

There are minds that must be opened...wounds that must healed...babies that must be saved...families that must be brought together...bridges to be rebuilt. We've been empowered in so many ways and we can't let all the isms (particularly that material one...does more damage then sex- and race- in many ways!) knock us off our game, ya heard?

We've got to find a space where our gifts can be used and get in where we fit in. I am really trying to live up to this call. I've applied to Grad School, started writing some new material, and been finding ways to mentor young women of color...but I can do so much more. It's not just time, resources, and will...it's my responsibility.

This is a call to service...if all who CAN...accept it...we are all going to win.

IF THE STOVE IS TOO HOT...GET OUT MY KITCHEN....

I am so tired of hearing that I am a lot to deal with. What the hell do people want me to do? I am 30 something years old...this aint the time to tone down my personality and fall in line with the parade. I have always been marching to my own beat so what the hell can I possibly do about it now? As long as I love strongly and build my faith in God and show integrity in my dealings with folks and keep growing in the best "me" fashion that I can...what the hell more can I do? What really pisses me off is that the "too much" aspect of my character is usually what attracts people to me but then want me to tone it down when it doesn't suit there current mindstate. How about you get the skates and roll your behind to the infirmary and come back my way once you've figured out that the good stuff don't come easy?

All this crap about good love should be easy is hogwash to me. People are complicated, messy, and multi-layered beings and nine times out ten...if they don't give you a little hell every once and awhile you aint really seeing the full show honey...you are still at the overture. With me, at least you know you getting to see the entire drama unfold on and off stage. I give the kids a little backstage tour of my hurts, pain, frustrations, fears and disappointments along with the joys, triumphs, happy moments and victories without dumping it on them...I just leave the curtain pulled back. You don't need that from everyone because you don't have a vested interest in everyone's life (though we all should to a degree...we are in this humanity thing together, right?) but if you do have that type of relationship with someone (whether it be on plutonic, romantic, or familial terms), you need to appreciate it when they show themselves to you. At the end of the day, you know what you are getting so either love them or leave them alone. Everyone can grow and become a better human being and should do so everyday...myself included. But can't nobody change you to what suits their whims, fears, insecurities, preferences, etc. and if they love you...why should you have to? Love me as I grow into my best self and I will do the same for you.


There's nothing wrong with sharing an honest opinion or giving constructive criticism to a friend. But "you know you can be a lot to deal with" for me is a cop out. I don't have anybody in my life that isn't a lot to deal with in someway. I find that if this is not the case, either the individual is not really in my inner circle or probably shouldn't be because they are only showing or giving a very small portion of themselves to the relationship.

Aint nobody EASY TO LOVE....perhaps some folks MAKE it easier but as soon as the "honeymoon" dance is over we all got some stuff with us. Don't knock my way just because my voice projects a little louder, eyes roll a little harder, mind moves a little quicker, and behind switches a little crazier than others. Je suis moi!

i aint claimin y'all's recession...

my God, my Art, my Love, my Purpose, my Life, my Truth, my Hope, my Peace, my Dreams, my Future, my Music, my Dance, my Words, my Canvas, my Blues, my Ups, my Downs, my Family, my Friends, my Brooklyn, my Work, my Turn...

y'all's Recession, y'all's Economy, y'all's President, y'all's War, y'all's Downturn, y'all's Bull Market, y'all's Foreclosure, y'all's Capitalism, y'all's Gouging, y'all's $5 gas, y'all's Corruption....

We people's and all...but I aint claimin all of that...

Our America, Our World, Our Brother, Our Sister, Our Peace, Our Love, Our Art (it's so necessary!), Our Future...

I CAN GET WITH THAT!