Can I have a moment?

Life feels so arbitrary yet blah today...it is becoming more and more clear that nothing is as it seems. BUT I am not going to carry on in this direction as it will only make me sound like one of those bratty and ungrateful cosmopolitan elites...soo..

I just have a word of advice for my fellow academic enthusiasts...the more you use your brain the more you will ponder randomness ad nasueam...tis not a great thing if you have other stuff to do like work, music and...well...living life, in general. The kind of inquiry that I am engaged in at present must be for young folks or perhaps the independently wealthy...I am trying to keep the lights on and the Frigidaire full! How do I do that while at the same time wrestle with ideas promulgated by a bunch of fellows who have not been with us in centuries (and would likely have me working the fields)!?!?!?!?!

ONE DAY IT WILL ALL MAKE SENSE...for now I will just do my best MARGO CHANNING and act like it does! ;-)

Why aren't you married? Are you at least thinking about it?

"It's not good for a woman to be alone."

If this question applies to you or has been asked of you...please feel free to weigh in with comments. I am keeping this one simple and with little explanation. I will tell you why a little later! ;-)

I DO NOT HEART KINDLES!!!!

Perhaps I will have a change of heart at some point but for now, I am vehemently opposed to Kindles. Why would I want to read a book in the form of an over-priced Speak N' Spell? I LOVE books...the smell of them, feel of them, the struggle to keep them bound and in one piece. Everytime I see someone on the subway reading from a Kindle with their bourgois green leather case and their nose high in the air I want to go post-crazio on them and pull their nose off! It honestly makes me want to puke! Yes...I admit it...I am an intellectual, cosmopolitian elitest New York snob. I HEART BOOKS...SUE ME!
I am going to regret this post in a couple of years when I am on the beach in Trinidad reading the latest Coehlo book on my Kindle but until then.....

Brooklynites...run for the hills!

I must say that this past weekend had a classic Brooklyn,early summer vibe. DanceAfrica at BAM, a leisurely afternoon in Prospect Park, brunch at Lulus, more food, fun, friends and family...doesn't get much better than that. However, my fab BK weekend was almost thwarted by these two little boys...I know hard to believe, right? So cute and innocent looking, huh? My behind! These kids were trying to take me and my crew out with water balloons. Talk about bold..they walked right up on our blanket and were plotting and scheming out loud in front of us. To add insult to injury, they threatened to take our lunch if we did anything to stop them from throwing their balloons. Now I have got to give it to these kids...they had gi-normous nerve but are a bit suicidal, RIGHT!!?!?!!? I guess they didn't get the memo about black girls, hair care, and unexpected bouts with water...that ish don't mix! These little boys almost got their feelings hurt until their parents came running over, horrified about what that they suspected was about to happen: their bad ass kids throwing balloons at a group of black folks and then getting their tails whooped! I DO NOT MESS WITH PEOPLE'S KIDS! I had to share this...hilarious! LOL!

In Treatment...ARGH!

This is my confession for the week...

I've got to stop watching that damn "In Treatment" (HBO)! Don't get me wrong it is a great show. Great scripts, amazing cast...just smart TV. BUT it is literally driving me mad.

I watch one of those episodes where Paul really goes in with one of his patients and I suddenly feel that I need to run to the nearest therapist. All of a sudden a ton of stuff comes up into my psyche that has me questioning my sanity and the meaning of life.

At first, I thought I was just overreacting and getting caught up in the fanfare of great TV. However, I am on the 3rd or 4th week of the 2nd season and I am once again feeling this way.

Each character on the show seems to shine a light on one of my personality flaws.

Mia reminds me that I put up walls and am afraid to be really vulnerable with anyone
April reminds me that I gotta let the superwoman thing go because everyone needs help. It doesn't mean I am weak or selfish
Oliver and his wacky fam make me more afraid of marriage and having kids because I realize how much we can affect other people who we love and love us; especially our children
Walter reminds me that no matter how much I achieve I may never be satisfied. Also, that I am always so freakin anxiety ridden and if I don't chill out...I am gonna cause myself more harm than good
Paul's sessions with Gina reminds me that NO ONE HAS THIS LIFE THING FIGURED OUT! He's the therapist and he's just as screwed up (if not more) than his patients.

Where does all this realization get me? Deeper into self-deprecation and disappointment! Like, "Why did I need to know this again?"

What more can I say except that I think it is time to find a therapist that my insurance covers! Inquire within...

half loved...

I guess what it boils down to my friends, I am kind of tired of being half loved in my relationships with people. And I don't just mean that in terms of romantic relationships but in all of them. How do you love someone half way, when you feel like it, at your convenience? I just never understood that. It really sucks. I just don't know how to do that. I am not sure really how to articulate how that makes me feel but I just had to get that off my chest because it's after 4AM and I am up feeling down. Just trying to figure out how to work with that, ya know? Goodnight for now...

eternally single?

i am so disappointed in adult relationships and behavior, y'all... i can't do it...so don't ask. i've made my own mistakes so i know what that's about but i can't afford any real setbacks right now. check back with me when i get to the point where it may be worth it. not there right now. it may be too late when i am but i have to take that chance. too much at stake...

just be honest with yourselves, ok? that's where i am trying to start and i know people have a problem with that. but i gotta be true to myself first before i can worry about the next man or woman. i think that if we had more self-integrity we would be able to avoid a lot of conflict with others. we portray ourselves in a manner which we think will aid us in getting what or who we want. this can be dangerous. on the other hand, where i am in this whole thing can be dangerous too. i can wake-up one day 20 years from now with a bunch of "worldly" success and no one to share it with but my four cats: Paul, John, Ringo and George. GOD willing i will get somewhere closer to the middle before it gets that extreme. for now, i am focused on this one important truism:

passion costs so make it count...

Stepford Lives in Cyberspace

Is technology causing society to regress intellectually and spiritually?
Does anyone think or feel for themselves? Why should they with Wikipedia, spellcheck, and PS3 always close at hand?

My new favorite bible verse...

He has showed you, O man, what is good.

And what does the LORD require of you?

To act justly and to love mercy

and to walk humbly with your God.

Micah 6:8 [New International Version]

This is probably the most simple and concise prescription for Judeo-Christian living that I have ever read in my life. How did so many of us miss this one? Why have we made things so complicated and downright ugly when Micah had this whole thing figured out ages ago?

I am an independent-minded, critically thinking Christian woman. A lot of people find this self-description to be a bit oxymoronic and honestly, at times I've almost agreed with them. I have been in the "church" my entire life but I am just beginning to understand what CHURCH really means. This little verse near the end of the Old testament has become the framework for my personal theology.

I never really understood why people went to a big ole intimidating building week after week with people that they may or may not like without really understanding why they were even there. By the time I was old enough to decide whether I wanted to keep going to church I knew that I had to do it for the right reasons or I would be torn and confused. Well, I am still kind of torn and confused from time to time but my faith is always restored.

The more I study the Bible the more I find that the reason why so many church folks can't seem to think for themselves is that the "church" has complicated what the Word makes plain and oversimplified those matters which require further examination and reflection. Like every other human dilemma, there must be a lot at work in this issue, historically speaking. I am not sure what is all involved at this point but I am going to keep looking into it. My heart won't let me quit.

More on this great verse later...