Why I Haven't Blogged In Like...Forever...

Long time no...blogging, eh?

Honestly, I am not exceptionally lazy or anything. I really do want to blog regularly and think that I am intellectually capable of doing so. The honest to God truth is simply that I have too much on my mind at any given time. Thus, I suspect that I may spontaneously combust in the midst of a blog entry and we don't want that. At once I am thinking about the Gulf Coast Oil Spill, state of Hip Hop, Oscar Grant travesty, depiction of young Black women in the media and networking via social media to name a few. On top of all of that, I am bogged down with my own issues like research proposals, raising money to finish my album, writing new songs, paying down debt, advancing my career, spending more time with family, fixing up my apartment, going to the gym more, eating better, traveling and an array of other things...being a Vogue-toting feminist aint no walk in the park my friend...let me assure you! With all of that on my mind, I am always afraid that I will say the wrong thing and although I have the ability to edit...I can't be too careful.

Cop out? Maybe. Yet this is how I have been feeling, what I have been thinking and why I haven't been blogging. I will say that this exercise of full disclosure has been quite therapeutic so perhaps it will aid me in unpacking some of this mental/spiritual baggage...

Actually...this feels really nice...my fingers feel liberated and my brain a little lighter. If this is any indication of what is to come, I think I will be in good shape. Note to self: You will not know how things are going to turn out (like writing a blog entry) until you actually sit down and give it a go. What do I have to lose really? Aint nuthin to it but to do it...seize the day...go for what you know...YOU GET THE POINT! I herein now declare that I'm going to try this bloggin regularly thing again real soon...I promise. Until then...Good day sir, I said GOOD DAY!!!

(HINT: Shirley Sherrod, who may be my new hero, is likely to show up on this thing real soon!!!)

parlez-vous francais? or My Epic Fail Turned Inspiration

Being a resident of such a diverse city like NYC, I am often stopped on the street by people of various ethnic backgrounds and nationalities who claim that I remind them of home. Where is home? As long as they are brown, it doesn't really matter. I am sized up by folks from Trinidad, South Africa...even southern India. It all depends on how I am wearing my hair that day (see photos)! Honestly, I am flattered when this happens to me. I like to think of myself as a world citizen so, if a bunch of different peeps think we are some kin...I AM ALL FOR IT!



I am sure you are asking yourself, "where is all this coming from?" Well, today I had another one of these moments. A couple approached me though they did not come out and say, "you're like home." Still, they scanned the drugstore we were in for a person that looked familiar, sized me up and then asked a sizable question in French; a french dialect that sounded West African and beautiful to me. I looked at the woman puzzled. "Do you speak French?" she said in her best English. "NO...well...un peu," I said in my twelve year old voice. "D'accord"...my little was obviously good enough for her to launch into asking me another very detailed question in French! But here's the funny part...I knew exactly what she was saying: "Do you know if they sell IMAN cosmetics here?" Unfortunately, I could not say anything comprehensible back to her. Instead,I started into the embarrassing pantomiming that New Yorkers tend to do when trying to direct an international guest towards the right direction. I almost panicked until her husband came over to me and asked in English, "Where can she get it?" with a big ole smile! I told him. They both thanked me and gave me the warmest smile...like we were family. I felt better and kind of fell in love with them for a second. I can be super sentimental at times. Still, I had failed to use the French that I have been studying and practicing off and on for the past couple of years. The VERY language that I hope to use in my research on women of the African Diaspora and how they communicate in beauty salons! HELLO...MCFLY!




Though I played the fool yet again, I learned three important lessons today:
1. I NEED TO PRACTICE MY FRENCH EVERYDAY OR I WILL TURN INTO A BABBLING IDIOT LIKE I DID TODAY AND ON MY LAST TRIP TO THE SOUTH OF FRANCE.
2. I SHOULD NOT ABANDON THE RESEARCH PROJECT THAT I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO DO ON DIASPORIC SUBJECTIVITIES AND THE BEAUTY INDUSTRY.
3. BE YE ALSO READY!



And that is how you learn from your failures folks! That is all. ;-)

...Writing's The Thing...

I have a paper to write today
And I can't seem to find the words I need
So here I am in my little corner of the writing sky
Word hunting and stretching out my thoughts on this little cyber bed

Sitting still, staring at a blank screen
So for the birds...so last year
I am going to give writing a go every time
Even if I am moving in the wrong direction
I'm moving, aren't I?

Epistemes and ontologies
Turns and valences
Nature, nurture, culture and society
Humanities, science and technology

This is me trying to steer my ship back to the straight and narrow
Right now its the only way I know
Because brainstorming and thinking and drinking joe
And tearing out your hair and ripping up your cuticles

And sneaking on Twitter (who are you hiding from?)
And wikipediaing the random
And texting your bestie
And crunching on Pirates Booty

And having a little stretch break
And taking a nap
And beating yourself up
...I suppose they are all viable options...but

Writing's the thing, really

30 somethin, Rich and Foolish: A Placeholder for Rage

The topic of this entry: 50 Cent...

I will leave it at that...I don't trust myself to write this piece now because I know I am going to go all the way in. Therefore, I am going to chill out for now. Still, I need to hold myself accountable and shame myself in to finishing what I've started. Here's the reference:

http://www.allhiphop.com/stories/multimedia__video/archive/2009/11/12/22026038.aspx

Feel free to look it over until I can get my mind right.

Deal?

"Who Am I Anyway?"

This is what I go through and how I feel each and everyday (at work, school, personal life, etc.)...



...Life is really one long audition for me...and I keep getting cut...yet I keep coming back to the line.

If I give up, what else can I do? Life goes on whether I participate or not...so for me...there is no other alternative but to keep getting back to that line...LIFE...here goes!

Can I have a moment?

Life feels so arbitrary yet blah today...it is becoming more and more clear that nothing is as it seems. BUT I am not going to carry on in this direction as it will only make me sound like one of those bratty and ungrateful cosmopolitan elites...soo..

I just have a word of advice for my fellow academic enthusiasts...the more you use your brain the more you will ponder randomness ad nasueam...tis not a great thing if you have other stuff to do like work, music and...well...living life, in general. The kind of inquiry that I am engaged in at present must be for young folks or perhaps the independently wealthy...I am trying to keep the lights on and the Frigidaire full! How do I do that while at the same time wrestle with ideas promulgated by a bunch of fellows who have not been with us in centuries (and would likely have me working the fields)!?!?!?!?!

ONE DAY IT WILL ALL MAKE SENSE...for now I will just do my best MARGO CHANNING and act like it does! ;-)

NOBODY TOLD ME THE ROAD WOULD BE EASY...

BALANCE...MY FAVORITE WORD THAT I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT...

I have been struggling to balance my day job, music career, academic work and personal life for the past several weeks. I am afraid that if I don't give up something, I will be horrible at everything...or at the very least mediocre which is such a bad word! I've already seen how it has affected my music. I need to find a way to devote much more time to it. But how?

These are the days when I understand people's desire to hit the MEGA MILLIONS. I am sure that it would cause more trouble than its worth but for me it is an attractive alternative right now!

I am running out of VERBS...I am doing so much.

That's all...just sharing.

I SHOULD BE READING...

The biggest problem I have now that I am back in Grad School is that no matter what I am doing I feel like I should be reading something instead. I can be on the train, eating dinner, sitting in a church...doesn't matter. The first thought that comes into my mind is, "I should really be somewhere reading." What's worse is that once I start reading I always think that I should have picked a better location at which to do the reading...for better concentration, ya know? This obsession comes with the fact that between two seminars at two hours a pop each week, I am responsible for reading and responding critically to well over 500-600 pages of dense theory every week. And kids...my brain is old and not as malleable as it once was. The ironic thing is that when it was fresh and new, I could care less about academics. Ugh...so here I am...a self-proclaimed professional student...once again new to this thing...trying to figure out a way to get it right. Any ideas? Let me know...Gotta go...I should probably be reading now...

Where's DMX when you need him?

Y'all gon' make me lose my mind up in HERE, up in here
Y'all gon' make me go all out up in here, up in here
Y'all gon' make me act a FOOL up in HERE, up in here
Y'all gon' make me lose my cool up in here, up in here
-DMX "Party Up"

I feel you dawg...it has been one of them dayz! fo rilla!

Me at 33...

Don't look so bad, but I'm not at all what I thought I'd be. Perpetually single...not poor but barely middle class....performing sometimes, but sitting at a desk most of the time...somewhat successful but not terribly. Don't get me wrong, I live a good life...but I KNOW that I am not living my best possible life and that's what's killing me...33 has to be a good year for reinvention, right? Being the "JESUS WALK" year and all...I need to be made anew. I am strong but afraid too.

Ode to Earth Day

Dear Earth, my Earth
You've been so good to me
Much better than I've been to you
Much better than I've been to myself

Even when I trash and mistreat you
You find it in your heart to keep me alive
You give and give and give
While I just take and take

I know you are strong and may have been built to last
But you too can only take so much abuse
Everybody and everything needs a little love
And that includes you

In observance of your special day
I am going to vow to treat you better
I will remember the Biblical charge to
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"

I am going to be the best darn Earthling that I can be
Even as a New Yorker and cosmopolitan elite
You deserve better and the truth of the matter is
If I don't do something quick...

That may be it
For you
And for me
So dear Earth, my Earth...

Let's fall in love

I'm a Mess...

ATTENTION! ATTENTION!

To all of you out there in cyberland who think that I have it together...(I don't know who of you thinks this, but)....you are most sadly mistaken. I am a mess...no, I am a hot mess!
I really don't know whether I am coming or going right now. I just want to run away...for real. I feel like I am stuck in the purgatory of life on earth. You know...nothing too great happening but way too blessed to be complaining! This is the worst. Why am I never satisfied? Am I greedy? ambitious? too cerebral? Why have I always expected so much from life...what have I done to deserve anything more than the status quo? How dare I think that there's more to life than disappointment?

Bottom line: I don't want to work just to work or have a man just to keep the lonely hours from ticking away. I want to live with intention and purpose but sometimes the world makes you feel like crap for wanting fulfillment on your own terms.

Sometimes I want to ask God, "Lord, why would you give me this strong, independent mind? It only makes me crazier!"

My brain won't stop...this is literally an actual stream of my consciousness in the present moment:

Am I going to go back to school? How? MFA? PhD?
When am I going to get started on the next album?
How am I going to finish paying off the debt from my first album?
How am I going to make my way out of corporate America before I am trapped and bitter like the rest of the lot?
Why am I so disillusioned with male/female romantic relationships?
Why do I keep entertaining this idea that it may be better for me to be single for the rest of my life?
Why am I so easily annoyed when men try to help me do things that I can do myself?
I gotta remember to send Nikki her box (though I've been saying this same thing for 7+ years!)
France, Brazil, Senegal, Across the Country
This debt is oppressive
I wonder how all of my grandparents are doing...it's such a blessing to have them all still here...I need to honor and cherish that...for real.
Why do people make babies with people that they don't really like?
What am I doing wrong?
I wonder how all of my family members are doing?
Why am I such a B@$#h sometimes?
I am over the soul music thing...i just want to do me...why would I resist one big click just to join another less affluent one? Sort of counter-intuitive, aint it?
Am I clinically nuts? Should I be on the couch talking to "Paul" or something?
Why have we made SEX such a big deal on the positive and negative sides of things?
How do you reconcile your faith with your intellect and your individuality with your fellowship?
Why do I get so affected by other people's "stuff"?
How do I stay in the race when I feel unworthy?
Is In Treatment going to come back for another season? I'll gag if it doesn't!
I'm 32...how the hell did I get here?
I can't believe it's freakin May already! What have I been doing all year!!?@!@?!@?!

This has got to stop...everyone who reads this is going to think I am crazy for sure...but dang it felt good to get it out! I'm going to bed!!!!!!!!