In Treatment...ARGH!

This is my confession for the week...

I've got to stop watching that damn "In Treatment" (HBO)! Don't get me wrong it is a great show. Great scripts, amazing cast...just smart TV. BUT it is literally driving me mad.

I watch one of those episodes where Paul really goes in with one of his patients and I suddenly feel that I need to run to the nearest therapist. All of a sudden a ton of stuff comes up into my psyche that has me questioning my sanity and the meaning of life.

At first, I thought I was just overreacting and getting caught up in the fanfare of great TV. However, I am on the 3rd or 4th week of the 2nd season and I am once again feeling this way.

Each character on the show seems to shine a light on one of my personality flaws.

Mia reminds me that I put up walls and am afraid to be really vulnerable with anyone
April reminds me that I gotta let the superwoman thing go because everyone needs help. It doesn't mean I am weak or selfish
Oliver and his wacky fam make me more afraid of marriage and having kids because I realize how much we can affect other people who we love and love us; especially our children
Walter reminds me that no matter how much I achieve I may never be satisfied. Also, that I am always so freakin anxiety ridden and if I don't chill out...I am gonna cause myself more harm than good
Paul's sessions with Gina reminds me that NO ONE HAS THIS LIFE THING FIGURED OUT! He's the therapist and he's just as screwed up (if not more) than his patients.

Where does all this realization get me? Deeper into self-deprecation and disappointment! Like, "Why did I need to know this again?"

What more can I say except that I think it is time to find a therapist that my insurance covers! Inquire within...

Ode to Earth Day

Dear Earth, my Earth
You've been so good to me
Much better than I've been to you
Much better than I've been to myself

Even when I trash and mistreat you
You find it in your heart to keep me alive
You give and give and give
While I just take and take

I know you are strong and may have been built to last
But you too can only take so much abuse
Everybody and everything needs a little love
And that includes you

In observance of your special day
I am going to vow to treat you better
I will remember the Biblical charge to
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"

I am going to be the best darn Earthling that I can be
Even as a New Yorker and cosmopolitan elite
You deserve better and the truth of the matter is
If I don't do something quick...

That may be it
For you
And for me
So dear Earth, my Earth...

Let's fall in love

Lent Season...Rock on!

As you can see, I haven't had much to blog about these days...well I have but I've sort of just been too much of a bum to actually do it. I made a declaration the other day to all of my closest friends that though it seems like I am this hardworking "g", I am really just a slacker with favor.

By now (March 2009), I was supposed to write a lot more, get in the gym, clean and redo my apartment, prepare for grad school, start another album...and a lot more. Perhaps I just set crazy insurmountable goals for myself. Who knows? One thing is for sure, in this Lent season I have definitely been a lot more all on the ball than I was at the top of the New Year ('s resolution!). I joined a cool gym (heading there in a few minutes), wrote a groovy song, booked some great out of town gigs, applied to grad school, half cleaned my room...lil tings a gwan...big tings soon come...

Hang in there kids...

I am including this photo that I swiped from one of my favorite blogs because it provides me with a great deal of inspiration. A little street art courtesy of the streets of New York...enjoy!

Full Circle...2009

I am so behind on my blog grind...for real...I fell off! Anyway, I am here now so I'll seize the moment to say...2009 looks very promising to me but not without hard work and a united front.

I've been bumping into people that I was friends with in college lately and I am learning that this is not without purpose. God has a plan for us...we've all got work to do. We didn't get our world class education for nuthin (I say that with my tongue slightly grazing my cheek). God didn't put Obama in office just as a symbol and Forte was not released from prison just because....WE'VE GOT WORK TO DO!

There are minds that must be opened...wounds that must healed...babies that must be saved...families that must be brought together...bridges to be rebuilt. We've been empowered in so many ways and we can't let all the isms (particularly that material one...does more damage then sex- and race- in many ways!) knock us off our game, ya heard?

We've got to find a space where our gifts can be used and get in where we fit in. I am really trying to live up to this call. I've applied to Grad School, started writing some new material, and been finding ways to mentor young women of color...but I can do so much more. It's not just time, resources, and will...it's my responsibility.

This is a call to service...if all who CAN...accept it...we are all going to win.

What a blessing...

to have shared the stage with this man just shortly before he passed. I didn't get to meet him that day but still...God is good...

half loved...

I guess what it boils down to my friends, I am kind of tired of being half loved in my relationships with people. And I don't just mean that in terms of romantic relationships but in all of them. How do you love someone half way, when you feel like it, at your convenience? I just never understood that. It really sucks. I just don't know how to do that. I am not sure really how to articulate how that makes me feel but I just had to get that off my chest because it's after 4AM and I am up feeling down. Just trying to figure out how to work with that, ya know? Goodnight for now...

IF THE STOVE IS TOO HOT...GET OUT MY KITCHEN....

I am so tired of hearing that I am a lot to deal with. What the hell do people want me to do? I am 30 something years old...this aint the time to tone down my personality and fall in line with the parade. I have always been marching to my own beat so what the hell can I possibly do about it now? As long as I love strongly and build my faith in God and show integrity in my dealings with folks and keep growing in the best "me" fashion that I can...what the hell more can I do? What really pisses me off is that the "too much" aspect of my character is usually what attracts people to me but then want me to tone it down when it doesn't suit there current mindstate. How about you get the skates and roll your behind to the infirmary and come back my way once you've figured out that the good stuff don't come easy?

All this crap about good love should be easy is hogwash to me. People are complicated, messy, and multi-layered beings and nine times out ten...if they don't give you a little hell every once and awhile you aint really seeing the full show honey...you are still at the overture. With me, at least you know you getting to see the entire drama unfold on and off stage. I give the kids a little backstage tour of my hurts, pain, frustrations, fears and disappointments along with the joys, triumphs, happy moments and victories without dumping it on them...I just leave the curtain pulled back. You don't need that from everyone because you don't have a vested interest in everyone's life (though we all should to a degree...we are in this humanity thing together, right?) but if you do have that type of relationship with someone (whether it be on plutonic, romantic, or familial terms), you need to appreciate it when they show themselves to you. At the end of the day, you know what you are getting so either love them or leave them alone. Everyone can grow and become a better human being and should do so everyday...myself included. But can't nobody change you to what suits their whims, fears, insecurities, preferences, etc. and if they love you...why should you have to? Love me as I grow into my best self and I will do the same for you.


There's nothing wrong with sharing an honest opinion or giving constructive criticism to a friend. But "you know you can be a lot to deal with" for me is a cop out. I don't have anybody in my life that isn't a lot to deal with in someway. I find that if this is not the case, either the individual is not really in my inner circle or probably shouldn't be because they are only showing or giving a very small portion of themselves to the relationship.

Aint nobody EASY TO LOVE....perhaps some folks MAKE it easier but as soon as the "honeymoon" dance is over we all got some stuff with us. Don't knock my way just because my voice projects a little louder, eyes roll a little harder, mind moves a little quicker, and behind switches a little crazier than others. Je suis moi!