Monday, May 26, 2008
I had a conversation about love and relationships yesterday with a lovely older couple that I know who have been married for over 46 years. We were initially talking about something completely unrelated but they looked at me and obviously thought, "this girl needs some talking to about love because she looks like she might be a little confused!" And they would be correct! I just don't see it for myself but to that they said, "God has someone just for you and when you meet him you'll know." Ok...but I just don't trust it...nothing seems to last...
"Do you know how long we've been married?"
"Sure. I think you told me in the past. 46 years?"
"Right and do you know how long it was between the time we met and the time we were engaged?"
"Wow...you weren't playing!"
"Nope. I knew she was the one."
"But take your time sweetie...don't feel the need to rush. Do what's right for you."
"And don't believe everything you hear."
"I was in the cafeteria at school...and I saw this girl smiling at me....i turned around, looked back and she was still smiling at me...after awhile I figured she wanted me to talk to her."
"Can you imagine what would have happened if I didn't smile at him?"
No. I don't know but I am happy you did. I suppose there's hope for me. :-)
I have had random older black women say this to me several times over the past few weeks. I believe that these women, in these moments, are angels sent from heaven because their sentiments are always right on time. One woman told me, "Believe me...you are better off doing what you love. Don't worry about the money right now. You're young and you'll manage. Just don't do like me and wait til you are old to start doing what you love."
This is perhaps contrary to popular belief, but I love lots of things: Music...dancing...performing...travelling...reading...writing...laying on the beach in the carribbean...hanging with my peoples...fine dining...stimulating conversation...
I wish I could make a career of it all!
The truth is I don't mind working hard at what I love to do or even what I have to do, sometimes its just hard knowing you are doing it on your own. Sure people offer their support and martyr themselves to you in order to help push you towards your goal. BUT it seems to always come with a price...like a date. Even if they mean well...that's not what I need. I need to find a person who finds value in and respects what I do and vice versa so that our exchange is balanced. Anything else that may come into the picture if timed correctly is gravy. Feel me? Cool. So you got me?
Help me, help you and vice versa so that we can "do what we have to do so that we can do what we want to do."
"The best career advice given to the young is: 'Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it." - Katherine Dunham
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
I have been in the same corporate job for 6 years and I am frightened! Nothing scares me more than the thought of a ten years of service plaque from this joint! It takes courage to be a thirty-something emerging artist during a recession. BUT...I've got to find a way to push past the fear and step into my purpose boldly. I find myself getting caught up in these drawn out moments of self-doubt and lethargy and it is getting harder and harder to snap out of it. However, I have to remember that I am in control and I've gotta keep the faith. My life depends on it. I've devoted my entire life to art...I've sacrified love for art...I've gotta come out with something from the deal!
God grant me the courage to be ALL that you've given me the gifts and desire to be. Amen.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
...I am asking because sometimes I THINK I feel inadequate as an artist but this may be an issue of semantics. What I do know for sure is that sometimes I feel like running away to a foreign land so that I can crawl up into a ball and have a big old pity party with no interruptions ONLY to rise up again like a phoenix from my pain and anguish and create the greatest cross-genre artistic masterpiece EVER! Why I can't find a way to do this on American soil...I don't know. BUT the market being what it is here...a FORCE...not that it is not like that globally at this point...I sometimes feel like anywhere else would be better for me as an artist.
Don't get me wrong...history, dysfunction, and other instances of hot mess aside, I am a committed, proud American. I've been a few places in the world and have come to the conclusion that nothing suits my lifestyle, in general, better than residing in Brooklyn USA. HOWEVER...I think I need to get away for a bit to a place where I am more of an anomaly and am not made to feel like I am washed up at 32! I know, I know...no one can MAKE me feel like a has been...it's a choice...and sometimes I make it! I sometimes feel like my ship has sailed and other times I feel like I am just not good enough. ON THE OTHER HAND...sometimes I feel like y'all have no idea what you're missing...you know, "phenomenal woman...that's me!"
Like many other artists around the world, I have an undiagnosed case of artistic schizophrenia!
I am with Sheryl Crow...I think "a change would do me good".
Stay tuned for my pending flight.... :-)
Monday, May 5, 2008
To all of you out there in cyberland who think that I have it together...(I don't know who of you thinks this, but)....you are most sadly mistaken. I am a mess...no, I am a hot mess!
I really don't know whether I am coming or going right now. I just want to run away...for real. I feel like I am stuck in the purgatory of life on earth. You know...nothing too great happening but way too blessed to be complaining! This is the worst. Why am I never satisfied? Am I greedy? ambitious? too cerebral? Why have I always expected so much from life...what have I done to deserve anything more than the status quo? How dare I think that there's more to life than disappointment?
Bottom line: I don't want to work just to work or have a man just to keep the lonely hours from ticking away. I want to live with intention and purpose but sometimes the world makes you feel like crap for wanting fulfillment on your own terms.
Sometimes I want to ask God, "Lord, why would you give me this strong, independent mind? It only makes me crazier!"
My brain won't stop...this is literally an actual stream of my consciousness in the present moment:
Am I going to go back to school? How? MFA? PhD?
When am I going to get started on the next album?
How am I going to finish paying off the debt from my first album?
How am I going to make my way out of corporate America before I am trapped and bitter like the rest of the lot?
Why am I so disillusioned with male/female romantic relationships?
Why do I keep entertaining this idea that it may be better for me to be single for the rest of my life?
Why am I so easily annoyed when men try to help me do things that I can do myself?
I gotta remember to send Nikki her box (though I've been saying this same thing for 7+ years!)
France, Brazil, Senegal, Across the Country
This debt is oppressive
I wonder how all of my grandparents are doing...it's such a blessing to have them all still here...I need to honor and cherish that...for real.
Why do people make babies with people that they don't really like?
What am I doing wrong?
I wonder how all of my family members are doing?
Why am I such a B@$#h sometimes?
I am over the soul music thing...i just want to do me...why would I resist one big click just to join another less affluent one? Sort of counter-intuitive, aint it?
Am I clinically nuts? Should I be on the couch talking to "Paul" or something?
Why have we made SEX such a big deal on the positive and negative sides of things?
How do you reconcile your faith with your intellect and your individuality with your fellowship?
Why do I get so affected by other people's "stuff"?
How do I stay in the race when I feel unworthy?
Is In Treatment going to come back for another season? I'll gag if it doesn't!
I'm 32...how the hell did I get here?
I can't believe it's freakin May already! What have I been doing all year!!?@!@?!@?!
This has got to stop...everyone who reads this is going to think I am crazy for sure...but dang it felt good to get it out! I'm going to bed!!!!!!!!
Friday, May 2, 2008
I was listening to NPR this morning and heard exactly what I needed to hear to get me through this day.
They were running an interview between a journalist and her grandfather who talked about what it was like to live for over 90 years. The grandfather spoke about how he was the black sheep of the family because he didn't want to become a farmer like his father who said, "a man that needs a vacation needs to get a new job." According to the grandfather, his father loved the fields he toiled more than anything in the world. What I like most about the story is that the grandfather did not receive his father's sentiments negatively or in a way that would suggest he should just shut up and do what was expected of him. Instead he took his father's words as an affirmation and applied them to his own life by leaving that farm as soon as he could to embark on an exciting life that has already lasted over 90 years.
The last thing the journalist asked her grandfather was, "Do you have any regrets?" His reply: "No. My life has been beautiful because I decided a long time ago to live with courage." Yes Grandpa! I took those words to heart as if they came from the mouth of my own grandfather. Today I am going to start living my life with a little more courage.