Monday, May 5, 2008

I'm a Mess...


To all of you out there in cyberland who think that I have it together...(I don't know who of you thinks this, but) are most sadly mistaken. I am a, I am a hot mess!
I really don't know whether I am coming or going right now. I just want to run away...for real. I feel like I am stuck in the purgatory of life on earth. You know...nothing too great happening but way too blessed to be complaining! This is the worst. Why am I never satisfied? Am I greedy? ambitious? too cerebral? Why have I always expected so much from life...what have I done to deserve anything more than the status quo? How dare I think that there's more to life than disappointment?

Bottom line: I don't want to work just to work or have a man just to keep the lonely hours from ticking away. I want to live with intention and purpose but sometimes the world makes you feel like crap for wanting fulfillment on your own terms.

Sometimes I want to ask God, "Lord, why would you give me this strong, independent mind? It only makes me crazier!"

My brain won't stop...this is literally an actual stream of my consciousness in the present moment:

Am I going to go back to school? How? MFA? PhD?
When am I going to get started on the next album?
How am I going to finish paying off the debt from my first album?
How am I going to make my way out of corporate America before I am trapped and bitter like the rest of the lot?
Why am I so disillusioned with male/female romantic relationships?
Why do I keep entertaining this idea that it may be better for me to be single for the rest of my life?
Why am I so easily annoyed when men try to help me do things that I can do myself?
I gotta remember to send Nikki her box (though I've been saying this same thing for 7+ years!)
France, Brazil, Senegal, Across the Country
This debt is oppressive
I wonder how all of my grandparents are's such a blessing to have them all still here...I need to honor and cherish that...for real.
Why do people make babies with people that they don't really like?
What am I doing wrong?
I wonder how all of my family members are doing?
Why am I such a B@$#h sometimes?
I am over the soul music thing...i just want to do me...why would I resist one big click just to join another less affluent one? Sort of counter-intuitive, aint it?
Am I clinically nuts? Should I be on the couch talking to "Paul" or something?
Why have we made SEX such a big deal on the positive and negative sides of things?
How do you reconcile your faith with your intellect and your individuality with your fellowship?
Why do I get so affected by other people's "stuff"?
How do I stay in the race when I feel unworthy?
Is In Treatment going to come back for another season? I'll gag if it doesn't!
I'm the hell did I get here?
I can't believe it's freakin May already! What have I been doing all year!!?@!@?!@?!

This has got to stop...everyone who reads this is going to think I am crazy for sure...but dang it felt good to get it out! I'm going to bed!!!!!!!!


nicole said...

Crazy=relative, Status Quo=relative, MEDIOCRITY=relative. besides basic laws and commandments, there really are no 'standards' for is what we make it, i suppose. i'd love to find the person who i think 'has it all' and ask them how they got it...but i'm sure they'd just go on and on about the things they DON'T have or are in pursuit of...and the folks i may think are lacking the 'BASIC FUNDAMENTALS' may believe in their heart of hearts that they have it ALL! so, it's all relative and happiness and fulfillment are DEFINITELY fleeting emotions...they come and go like the waves on the ocean. i honestly don't believe that it's possible to eternally sustain either one of them. if there was, what would be the point of ambition and upward mobility, and how would we teach our 'future' children to strive to be better and want more? so, perhaps a life without unfulfilment leads to compacency! lol ain't that a b*&ch?!?! haha.

i think what i personally have to try to accomplish is being CONTENT with the process and accepting the journey to wherever it is I'm going. Enjoying the fun stuff and the joy that comes along the way AND remember that they DO exist when I'm trying to pull myself up out of mud that i sometimes find myself stuck in!

From one crazybrain to another, i must commend you, for I would never DARE post my stream of conciousness out in cyberspace for all the world to see, so kudos to you!!! haha. If you happen to find yourself on Paul's couch, please ask him if he can pencil me in for Tuesdays at 7. thanks;-) - i can take Alex's old spot! haha

and finally, yes i'm a day late, but since u posted this yesterday, it's only right that i sign off with 'Feliz Cinco de Mayo' lol. let's have margaritas tonight! lol

Amethyst Scarab said...

Wow...LOL!!! You seem to be going thru some THANGS there! Well as one crazy artist thinker to another, I think you gotta start at the place of ACCEPTANCE!

Like my man Marlo said on the dope ass show THE WIRE, "You want it to be one way, but it's the other way." People think settling, acceptance, surrender, content are ugly words, just like many artists eschew money because they feel it corrupts. Well like my people told me, money only makes you a RICH WHATEVER YOU ARE...RICH BITCH, RICH BASTARD or RICH GREAT PERSON!

The same can be said for all the other words I've listed. IF you're lazy AND you surrender you'll be a lazy surrenderererer LOL! But seriously here's the deal. The REAL DEAL if you will.

Life is to be lived and love is to be done and all of it is to be experienced! When you say you're crazy or a mess are you somehow different than anyone else...well a "normal" person?
CRAZY = Man building a secret cellar in his basement and raping his daughter for 24 years, fathering 7 children...NOW THAT'S CRAZY!!! You don't know that kinda crazy!!!

If you look at life like a football game (which I do), all that thinking you doing is tantamount to being in practice on the sideline. You can always see what is happening that's wrong and when people in the game come to the sideline you can always tell them what happened. You know being in the game is something altogether different. You simply have to decide if you're going to coach life or live life!

It's easy to sit on the sideline where it's safe, you don't get hit, you aren't accountable for the win or the loss, but truly great players accept that responsibility and don't look at it like a burden, they look at it as an OPPORTUNITY!

A chance to test themselves, to show what they got, to find what they never knew existed in them! They know that there's a 50/50 chance they can lose, but as HERM EDWARDS said "YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!!!"

The game is hard, you expect to get hit, you expect to make a mistake but you fight to win! Life is no different.

What did MOS DEF say on "The Questions" How you got HIGH expectations and got LOW patience?!? You are on your journey, accept it, embrace it. All the things you look at like annoyances are training and experience for the next leg of your journey. You have to make sure you are as real with yourself as you tend to be with others.

Critical analysis of one's self never hurt no one and more people should do it, but critical analysis is different than critical criticism of one's self know the difference.

Now I will address all your lil questions:
1. Never satisfied - Maybe you just like your mama, she's never satisfied! Hey Martha Graham says no artist is ever satisfied, just a divine dissatisfaction that makes us more baby girl, you're just alive!

2. Am I greedy, ambitious? - Greedy no ambitious yes...and ain't nothing wrong with having more...more money, more food, more sex! Just have MORE BALANCE!!

3. Why do you expect so much out of life? - Cause God put so much INTO life! Enjoy it, live it, breathe it...most of all be a part of it.

4. What have you done to deserve more than status quo - it's a birthright endowed by THE didn't have to do anything but breathe!

Now the rest of that list you have to decide what life you want to LIVE! MFA, PHD, NEXT is all possible if you believe and act in such a manner...ACT!

Some people aren't bitter about corporate America, they love don't DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, but realize the gifts corporate America has given you, even if it's the gift of discomfort. The experience has its plusses and minuses.

Male/female relationships - get over yourself and other people. Life and LOVE and happiness and pain are all 1st cousins. Like football it's not about standing on the won't win every game, but you can go 13-3 (Like my Cowboys), you may lose in the Div CHIP (like my Cowboys) but do you quit trying to win? This is when you add surrender to who you are and you get a BLANK SURRENDERERER! If you think you can only take the field if you will ABSOLUTELY WIN, then you are a coward and that has nothing to do with the game, it has everything to do with you! Live and play to win!

Single for the rest of your life = fear...yeah shit is effed up, but it's beautiful too and you'll never know if you are again on the sidelines! Life & love is a process of discovery all the time...and when you just accept what comes with that and move forward you'll be fine. You can't be a fireman and not like heat and smoke so much you don't fight the fire and love is the same. You can't want love and not want what comes with's part and parcel baby!

SEX IS A BIG DEAL ... YOU CAN MAKE LIFE WITH IT! And it isn't a big's what you make it and what you put into it at any given time!

STOP LIVING IN FEAR! Great people in life are like wizards they use their powers to mold life around them! Use your powers woman and stop THINKING SO know all you need for now. You're a great woman, person, you're sexy,your intelligent, your strong, damn girl you're a hell of a WOMAN, but you gonna fuck around and be RYAN LEAF instead of PEYTON MANNING!! Stop bullshittin wit yo sef! Get over you, plow forward with all GOD has given you and claim your effing VICTORY!

NOW it is time to get in the game and play and use all the knowledge you've learned on the sideline and merge it with GAME KNOWLEDGE!

Imagine how good YOUR STORY will sound once you are where you want to be. You are writing the pages of your life and any great story has triumph over tragedy even if it's one small victory.

Lastly I will say is not believing everything will be all right all the time. Faith is believing YOU will be alright all the time when everything else is NOT.



Anonymous said...

Please - do not feel badly! Do you have any idea how much your sentiments echo my own? Sex, men, money, marriage, health, career, girlfriends, family, success, failure, faith, intellect, to go green or not, new shoes, hot handbags, lipstick, hair and nails, aromatic fragrance and of course Bling...all I can ask is WHY. Or, should I say WHY NOT? I think it's fair to say that many folks look at me and say, "what the hell are you complainging about?" But, what they really don't know the REAL me. Sometimes, I wish I could not just run away, but FLY away! Then, I take a moment and realize that I AM BLESSED and must realize that all comes in good time. Everything in its season. I just cling to the mantra that "THE BEST IS YET TO COME" and keep on taking everything day-by-day. Ironically enough, in spite of gender or ethnicity, I've noticed that the majority of my college friends are in similar situations. We all have pretty good jobs, good health, relatively functional disfunctional families, time to work and play and several letters behind our name. But, we are still searching...